Things that make you go "hmmm"

So you ask yourself:

Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A Moment of Reflection, for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average. [Ed. Not strictly true, of course, but fun.]
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
24. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
25. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
26. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
27. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
28. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
29. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
30. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
31. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
32. Never do card tricks for the group with whom you play poker.
33. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
34. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
36. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
38. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
39. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
40. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
41. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
42. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
43. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
44. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
45. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow at 10:35am.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. All those of you who believe in telekinesis..raise my hand.
50. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
51. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
52. As the Greeks say, "Moderation in *all* things."

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

11 Rules for Living

RULE 1...Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE 2...The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3...You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4...If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5...Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

RULE 6...If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7...Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.

RULE 8...Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9...Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on you own time.

RULE 10...Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11...Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

DEEP THOUGHTS:

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if they get angry, they'll be a mile away --- and barefoot...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.