WOMEN:
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power;
but they still know how to use their softer side
to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no
strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy
and hope.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for
you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
- 1 bar of soap
- 1 toothbrush
- 1 tube of toothpaste
- 1 loaf of bread
- 1 pint of milk
- 1 single serving of cereal
- 1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "Yes, How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're fucking ugly"
- WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
- WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
- WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop for directions)
- WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
- WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
- WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children but men usually end up playing
with them)
- WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor
lock)
- WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
- WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
- WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
- WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
- HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(nobody knows, since it has never happened)
- ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument)
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Write poetry for her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
It's Great To Be a Man
- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
- Your orgasms are real. Always.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Foreplay is optional.
- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
- Same work ... more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything
different?"
- One mood, ALL the damn time.
- Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me.
- No maxi-pads.
- You don't mooch off other's desserts.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th.
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep
you up all night long.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but not every day.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, have a 3 "floppy and never enough memory.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the
ones that are left are disabled or extremely small.
A. Gerstlauer, November 9, 2000