FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evir, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit.
JAR JAR Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.
[Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.]
JAR JAR (cont*d) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, an' smokesa some ganja, mon. okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.
AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now. I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.
JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
[They pod race. It looks really COOL.]
[JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.]
AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?
[They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.]
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy.
YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with yo bitchass? I'll fuckin kill you! My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil.
[Suddenly, we see E.T.! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.]
EXT. NABOO
[Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.]
[Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.]
[Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.]
[Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the spacebattle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.]
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had much choreography work and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont*d) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
The ship explodes, which makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers!!!
THE END