"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading." -- Stephen Jobs
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a 'son-of-a-bitch'." -- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, 'divorce' - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" -- Jerry Seinfield
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Unknown
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no
clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and
naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
| Your age | Used or New |
| 1-12 years | (see note A) |
| 13-16 years | New |
| 17-21 years | Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years | Used heavily |
| 35-60 years | New (see note B) |
| 60+ | (see note A) |
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
| Category | Comments |
| Goddess | This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. |
| Goddess-in-law | This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. |
| Ms. Right | The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. |
| Babe | This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. |
| Friend | The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality. |
| Yeah, Her | The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish. |
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happened too.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl friend.
When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen. She cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
Here is the problem: If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth), every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.
As a public service, I analyze each question and provide the possible answers.
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following:
(Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
The proper response is: "YES!"
If you feel a more detailed answer is in order: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
This is the all-time, no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
There is no good answer.
No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman:: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other people to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay
You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
Bar food again?? Kick ass
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !
Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly.
You are so much smarter than my father.
If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.
Q. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
A. Close the door
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. What did God see after creating man?
A. He saw that it was not so good! (read Genesis)
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A. A widower.
Q. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Q. Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A. Even then men wouldn't ask for directions.