"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading." -- Stephen Jobs

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a 'son-of-a-bitch'." -- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, 'divorce' - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" -- Jerry Seinfield

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Unknown

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Consumer's Reports on Selecting Girlfriend

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your ageUsed or New

1-12 years(see note A)
13-16 yearsNew
17-21 yearsUsed, but not used up
22-35 yearsUsed heavily
35-60 yearsNew (see note B)
60+(see note A)
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.


Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.


Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.


Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

GoddessThis is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-lawThis model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. RightThe best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
BabeThis is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
FriendThe model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, HerThe Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.



Caucasian Woman

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

Japanese Woman

First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.

Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.

Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.

Malay Woman

First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.

Second date: You get to home base with her.

Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.

Chinese Woman

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happened too.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

Indian Woman

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl friend.

When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen. She cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

The Five Toughest Questions For Men

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

Here is the problem: If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth), every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.

As a public service, I analyze each question and provide the possible answers.

# 1: What are you thinking about?

"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following:

(Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!"

If you feel a more detailed answer is in order: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

This is the all-time, no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

There is no good answer.

No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman:: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed


Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other people to have sex with you

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

Things Most Women Will Never Say

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ass

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly.

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
  7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
  8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
  9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
  10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  11. Shopping is not sport.
  12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
  13. You have enough clothes.
  14. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
  16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
  17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
  24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  25. Check your oil.
  26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
  27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
  28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  31. If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
  33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
  34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
  35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
  37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
  39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
  40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Q. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
A. Close the door

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. What did God see after creating man?
A. He saw that it was not so good! (read Genesis)

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A. A widower.

Q. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Q. Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A. Even then men wouldn't ask for directions.

100 Rules To Be A Man

  1. Don't call, ever.
  2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "Spike".
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
  6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
  7. Drink Vernors.
  8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
  9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
  10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
  11. Lie.
  12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
  14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
  16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
  17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
  19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
  20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  22. Say things like "Wha...?"
  23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  24. Lie.
  25. Deny everything. Everything.
  26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
  27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
  28. Don't have a clue.
  29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  30. No means yes.
  31. Yes means no.
  32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
  33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
  34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
  35. Feelings? What feelings?
  36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant.".
  37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
  38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally eradicate all of them from the planet.
  39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
    Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day.".
  40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
  41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
  42. Lie.
  43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
  44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
  45. Diss your girl friend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
  46. Lie.
  47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
  48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
  50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
  53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
  54. Lie.
  55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
  57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
  58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
  59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
  60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
  61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
  62. Don't ever notice anything.
  63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
  64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
  65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
  66. Lie.
  67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
  69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
  70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
  71. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
  72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
  73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so.". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
  74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
  75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
  76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
  77. Lie.
  78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
  79. If anyone asks you for a favor -
  80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the
  81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
  82. Three words: ‘Let's be friends.’. Translation: ‘I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.’.
  83. Lie.
  84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
  85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
  86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
  87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset
  88. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
  89. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
  90. Practice your blank stare.
  91. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
  92. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
  93. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it.". Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
  94. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No Baby, I was BORN like this!"
  95. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
  96. Beer. Then more beer.
  97. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. li>One word: FOOTBALL!
  98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
  99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
  100. LIE.

A. Gerstlauer, August 13, 2001