HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA?

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercing's and none are visable .
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, is named Breeze
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gasoline costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man is in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don't even notice.
13. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about 'STORM WATCH 2000.'
17. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20. You AND your dog have therapists.

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

 GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

            Name: __________________________

      Stage name: __________________________

    Agent's Name:  _________________________

 Attorney's Name:  _________________________

      Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: ______

 Sex:  [ ]  male         [ ] female
       [ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
       [ ] both          [ ] neither

 If female, indicate breast implant size:  _______

 Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
 operate a motor vehicle in any way?  Yes [ ]  No [ ]

 Occupation:
     [ ]  Lawyer
     [ ]  Actor/Waiter
     [ ]  Film-maker/Self-employed
     [ ]  Writer
     [ ]  Car Dealer
     [ ]  Pan-handler
     [ ]  Agent
     [ ]  Hooker/Transvestite
     [ ]  Other (please explain): ___________________________

 Please list brand of cell phone:  __________________________
 (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

 Please check hair color:
     Females:     [  ] Blonde    [  ]   Platinum  Blonde
     Teenagers:   [  ] Purple    [  ]   Blue      [  ] Skin-head
     Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ___________________

 Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
     [ ] Yes [ ] No
 If Yes, please explain:

 Please check activities you perform while driving
 (Check all that apply):
    [ ] Eating a wrap
    [ ] Applying make-up
    [ ] Talking on the phone
    [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
    [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [ ] Tanning
    [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
    [ ] Watching TV
    [ ] Reading Variety
    [ ] Surfing the net via laptop
    [ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper

 Please indicate how many times:
     a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
     b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving
        ____.

 If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
     a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
     b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch
            your TV;
     c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
            cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
     d) [ ] Call your therapist;
     e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).

 Please indicate if you drive:
     a) [ ] a BMW,
     b) [ ] a Lexus,
     c) [ ] a Mercedes,
     d) [ ] a Cabriolet.

 If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery
 time for your driver's license.

 In the event of an earthquake, should you:
     a) [ ] stop your car
     b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
     c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
            ones,
 or  d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
            Channel 4?

 In the instance of rain, you should:
     a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
     b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
     c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is.

 Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____.

 Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
 (Check all that apply.)
     a) [ ] Prozac;
     b) [ ] Zovirax;
     c) [ ] Lithium;
     d) [ ] Zanax.
 If none, please explain:  __________________.

 Length of daily commute:
     a) [ ] 1 hour;
     b) [ ] 2 hours;
     c) [ ] 3 hours;
     d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
 If under 1 hour, please explain:

 When stopped by police, should you
     a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance
            form ready,
     b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
            405,
     c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
            thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?