Grad school

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
My work has a lot of practical importance.
I would never date an undergraduate.
Your latest article was so inspiring.
I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
The department is giving me so much support.
My job prospects look really good.
No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants

I'm not going to grant any extensions.
Call me any time. I'm always available.
It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

You just might be a graduate student if...

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in astronomy.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication"

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Librarians are the secret masters of the universe. They control information. Don't ever piss one off.
- Spider Robinson

"If you love something, write it in C; if it compiles, it is yours; if it doesn't, it never was."
[David Mccaughan , 11/95.]

"Well you know, C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())(), for instance, declares f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void... I think."
[Sigurdur Asgeirsson , 9/95.]

Lisp, on the other hand, "has all the visual appeal of oatmeal with fingernail clippings mixed in."
-- Larry Wall in <1994Jul21.173737.16853@netlabs.com>. [Tom Christiansen , 11/95.]

A. Gerstlauer, July 22, 1999